Things to do in an exam when you're going to fail no matter what!!!

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Turn in the exam approx. 50 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in.

Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

Masturbate.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Do the entire exam in another language. Better still, make one up!

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

Bring cheerleaders.

Bring pets.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DAD, BABE. etc..).

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Neighbours is on!!!"

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

Bring balloons. Tie them to your seat. Let one go occasionally.

Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he\she did it.

Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell you."

Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think that you're someone else.

When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them. Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an exam.

Dress like the professor.

Cross-Dress.

Two words: Plastic Explosives.

Trip people as they walk by your desk.

Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.

Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make a show of it.

Make several origami animals out of the test papers. Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.

In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Teams to him/her.

Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question 2 moved you, deeply.

Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.